*blog cover photo courtsey of the park prodigy

Let’s Get Ready

Okay so we’re headed to HHN - let’s get fully into the headspace. We gotta pack a bag, get a fit, figure out some of the logistics (but none of the boring logistics like travel, lodging, budget). It’s my pretend vacation and we’ve got endless funds. We’re getting all the VIP, all the passholder perks.

Let’s start by packing our bags with

• phone, keys, wallet (duh)
• some delicious weed gummies (and if you don’t partake you can bring some regular fruit gummies)
• Noise canceling headphones for my neuro spicy ass when I get over stimulated
• Same logic but I’m getting the pussy out deathly afraid lanyard because I know my limits and I’m not sacrificing my brain just to look like a tough guy
• Pocket warmers in case it gets cold

What to Wear

I’m not going to go crazy with costumes because we’re staying the whole night baby. Comfort maxxing is non-negotiable for me. If you dress up I fully support you… just know I’m not carrying you anywhere with my tiny little twig arms. But just because I’m being comfy doesn’t mean I’m looking boring and normie. I’m creating a subtle homage to my favorite horror movie character. Here’s the final fit check:

Yes it is my not-so-subtle homage to the king of the halloween, Art the Clown. I didn’t want to full on wear his merch, only a little sprinkle of that with the phonecase. Mostly I wanted to embody his vibe with an inspired casual look. So I’ve got all the blocked black and white patterns sharply contrast the blood splatter to come later. I hope he likes it!

At the Park

We made it in nice and early - we managed to hit that golden time slot when other people have shown up but the lines aren’t flooded yet. We take a look at the map and see what first fork in the road we should take. By this point in the trip I have undoubtely shown you at least 3 hours of FNAF theory videos to get you up to speed on the basics. So we are very aware of where my priorities are. LEFT IT IS! But as a bit of haunted house foreplay we’re going to a few stops along the way first:

Origins of Horror Scare Zone

Tall crow man - you have captured my heart. I love a good stilt scare actor. His ribcage design really nails the look for me. You probably mention something about his pants looking lame and I shoot you a menacing look for having insulted the honor of my new baby boy. The gargoyles do their best but as an ex-catholic I sadly inform them there is nothing they can do to inflict more fear in me than I already have. The chainsaw men distract us as we try to enjoy looking at the fancy statues for each haunted house along the way. We shoo them away as we try to enjoy the fake gothic archetecture. The bird flaps near by. I take a selfie next to Freddy Fazbear’s bust and try to hold back tears of neurodivergent joy. We are barely 5 minutes into this trip. I continue to wonder if maybe there were supposed to be hedges around for the chainsaw weilders to be trimming in the gothic garden. We are both themeatically confused.

Horrors of the Wyatt Sicks

I’m a very surface level fan of WWE - so you fill in a few gaps for me as we wait in the line. I tell you there’s only 5 of them on the poster and you hold in a huge sigh. You tell me about Bray Wyatt and a bit about his legacy in WWE. You brief me on the story of a bayou-based cult and an evil monster known only as ‘The Fiend’. As a fan of all things camp and clown related I promise to keep an open mind as we go inside.

I fall in love with the costumes. The bunny is my initial favorite with his stringy and matted fur. I see the first puppet when we enter the firefly funhouse. I smack you arm and yell “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THERE WERE PUPPETS”. You shush me as I gaze longly at the little black haired doll I now want to add to my expanding collection of dolls. The blaring and flashing tv screens overstimulate us as the freakish masks pop out in the twisted maze. I scream as the stringy haired man pops out at us for the 4th time in a row and shriek in delight when I see the white dress lady hanging upside down.

FNAF

I stim to various fnaf related audios as we wait in line. After hearing me say “But Vanessa he told me that the man of my dreams…” for the 40th time you get to finally interrupt me to say we’re going inside. I’m three clicks away from hysterical at this point. You and the park worker exchange looks and they let you know that i am definitely not the most insane person they’ve seen this season. I start humming the Toreador march as we enter the pizzaria.

I am in awe as we walk through. The anamatronics are so much bigger than i imagined. the screaming kids don’t scare me but fill me with joy. The security room fills me with excitement but ultimately disappoints me with it’s openness and lack of scares. As we progress through I get more and more annoyed with the humans popping up. I am sad that the robots are so closed off because I want to touch them. I increasingly don’t feel scared, but do enjoy hearing foxy’s little “dum dum dum” song as we pass by the arcade. I keep asking myself “Where the fuck is purple man.” right before his big lackluster reveal.

We exit the ride. You turn to ask me if I had fun, but my face says it all.

Drink Break

We decided to process our experience so far with a quick drink and snack break. I get a cursed cranberry vodka spritz. You remind me that we took gummies before coming in and since I’m such a lightweight is it really a good idea to throw alcohol into the mix. I say you bring up a very important safety point and order a pizza skull to stay safe. You tell me that’s not what you meant but I don’t hear you because my headphones are already in as I grab a nearby bench to eat.

After a few moments of watching various excited guests walk past - you ask me if I liked the house. I shrug and tell you didn’t “not” like it. You ask me what I mean. I tell you that while it had everything I expected it wasn’t what I was hoping for. Being up close to the monsters, experiencing the threat of spring trap, more haunted and decaying elements. I tell you that the atmosphere is hard to translate to a haunted house in a theme park. You tell me that maybe I was so excited about the house that I had built it up to more than it was capable of being. I tell you that’s a bitch ass excuse on behalf of HHN and that if I could imagine it better - they could have built it better. Isn’t this the same park that gave us scare actors on bungee cords? You ask me if I’m going to finish the rest of my pizza skull and I pass over the half eaten dough in a pool of marinara blood.

El artista A Spanish Haunting

I ask you why it’s called el artista instead of la artistisa when artista is a feminine noun. You pretend you can’t hear me as I rattle off what i remember from AP Spanish. I try not think about how on the nose a house themed around artists suffering for their creations is for me.

We get inside and we’re instantly enamoured with the layout and decor of the house. I squeel immediately when I see another stilted scare actor (and pray for his safety thinking about scare victims coming for his legs.) The scare actors instantly impress me over the meh presence we just experiences in fnaf. I laugh at the giddy teddy holder and stare in wonder at the flying gargoyle. I call out in the garden “We saw your friend at the gate”but he does not respond. I get jump scared by the statue lady and get back into the zone. We linger longer than we should. It’s hard to move through as we enjoy the little details of their masks and costumes. Everything is so gothic and twisted. WE walk out into the open air and agree it is one of our top houses of the night.

Terrifier

Right next door we pop over to the freakish mural entrance to the Terrifier haunted house. I am deep enough into my edible at this point where the “boos” and shierks take me a minute or two to respond to. I am chill as can be and ready to see my little clown man. You’re a little more nervous about this house - you remind me that you are not that into clowns. And I look back at you with a chilling grin as I ask what is there to be afraid of. You tell me that you will go home without me. I promise to lead the way for this house in case you are scared. The fog wraps around us as we’re swallowed by the giant mouth of art the clown.

I’m shook instantly by the disappearing text on the wall. This is going to be good. My first art scare actor pops out of a half ripped body and I scream in delight. I love his goofy little grin. He just wants to make friends! The “ta da” flourish noise catches me off gaurd and I laugh and clap with the clown girl scare actor. We hear Art’s theme song and I tell you I need a copy of this song ASAP. Art pops out of the clown cafe and I wave at him. I try to ask him for a snack and you pull me along, wanting to get the fuck out of there. I feel the pizza skull rise up in my stomach as we pass by the rotting corpses in the bahtrooms until I hear the carinval game noises. We get to Santa Art and I sing along to “we wish you a merry christmas”. I spin around happily in the rainbow room and you struggle to stay behind me. We hear the flourish sound effects play again. You see me jump from fear to delight back and forth. Before you can register what’s happening you feel yourself being pulled along as I yell “WET PATH! WET PATH!” You take a deep breath as we enter the final dripping stretch of the haunted house. A headless art the clown honks in our ear and we are finally safe. I look back at you with the biggest smile and you flatly tell me you need a drink.

Club Horror

I tell you I shouldn’t order another drink because it’ll hurt my tummy. You agree - lost in the spectacle of light and sound. I step in front of you and say that maybe you should order something. You get the hint and ask what do I want. I ask you to order the deadly nightshade so I can try a sip. You tell me you don’t really like tequila and I tell you that we’re just going to have a sip. Afterall - it’s an all expense paid vacation. What’s really stopping us from just a sip. The color is breathtaking and we’re instantly inspired to take at least a dozen photos it. I tell you this is going to be my new color pallet for something. you actually end up enjoying the drink and finish it as we stare bisexually at the club dancers.

Nightmare Fuel: Circus of Decay

Walking through various set ups and crowds of people, we decide to sit down and enjoy the Nightmare Fuel show. We’re instantly hooked when we hear the remix of Welcome to the Black Parade. We’re scukers for nostalgia. As we watch I point out a lot of technical issues with the dancing,but you are more focused on the show overall. The fire dancers come out I’m finally able to enjoy what I’m seeing without being a judgemental artist. The performers twirl, fly, and perform arts of magic we’ve never seen before. We give the show two big thumbs up but ultimately leave early to make sure we don’t miss any other important houses we want to get to.

Carnival Food

Time for another treat from all the walking around we’ve done. And also the indica gummy I took in the car is really kicking in now and my mouth is so bored. The big clown mouth food stand is calling my name and I order both a giant cheese stick and freakishly long corn dog. We take turns passing the long fried sticks back and forth. It’s a heavenly combination of spicy, crispy, cheesy and warm. We say this is the best thing we’ve ever eatten. We are clearly high.

Dolls Let’s play Dead

We’re refueled, rested, and ready for another house. I point out the doll house and you say sure why not. It’s an ugly looking tent on the outside but I tell you dolls are like my favorite horror trope. We walk inside knowing to the giant doll house, ready for anything.

The feeling of smallness among the large items is awesome. It’s hard to tell what doll looking creatures are manequins and which are actual scare actors which adds to the dread. The melty oven roomis insdanely creative. You roll your eyes when you see another circus. We walk out quickly and turn to each other with a confused “that’s it?” face. We didn’t realize how short and aburpt the experience would be.

Galkn Monsters of the North

We only have time for one more house. I’m not that sold on any house in particular. So you suggest Galkn, knowning that I love good cultural based lore. And since it’s right nextdoor to ‘dolls: let’s be disappointing’, I’m down for not walking any more.

Immediately the drums get us into the zone and we’re transfixed by the spinning story telling walls. The first scare actor jumps out in full woodsy costuming and we think to ourselves “now that’s more like it”. The masked creatures blend into the woods and the splayed victims remind me of Midsommar. The red eyes and wolf jump scare illusion totally tricks us with it’s clever illusion. The burning man effigy feels like a party and motivates us to keep trecking through the woods. The giant monster at the end transfixes us and we can’t believe we are about to enter the literal belly of the beast. This is unlike anything we’ve walked through this whole night.

Fallout Eats and Treats

We’re still feeling good and at the nice stage of our faces vibrating where we want another snack. And another snack we shall have. In our delirium we manage to make our way over to the fallout food pop up and order a pickle bucket baked chicken. We think this a miracle unto snacking kind. I tell you if popeyes made this I would run them out of business. You tell me if they sold this at the grocery store you would stop cooking. Not calling anyone out but one of us low key licks the tin. This was a good choice.

The Cat Lady of Crooked Lane

On our way out of the park we have to pass through two scare zones. We’re both feeling a little run down and don’t want to stay longer than we half to. The cat lady story signs are kinda cute, but the cat noises keep triggering me to think I’m stepping on one of my own kitties. I miss my babies. You ask me why there’s a cat in a seifuku. I shrug just as confused as you. We stroll past the main house - enjoying the site but not enough to slow down our pace to the exit.

Masquerade:Dance with Death

With one final stretch to go we make it to the masquerade scare zone. The music is a good change of pace. I get woozy at yet another uncalled for cannibalism scene. You try to make some joke about eating the rich. I sigh but admit it was still pretty funny. Overall we think about how the stages themselves are beautiful and the story telling is great, but the characters themselves are a little blah. It has potential but not enough for us to really enjoy our stay.

End of the Trip

We finally make our way out of the park and hitch an ethically sourced transportation service to get back to our hotel. I ask what you though of this year and you let me know in the guest book. I thank you for a really fun time together. We get to our hotel and I pass the fuck out.

Graphics Sources

bullet by dameslette and divs by strangergraphics food images from Miss Wizarding World

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