To Clarify my anti-ocean stance

Being against the big blue does not mean that I am tring to actively harm the environment. In fact, anyone who subscribes to my idealogy must first understand that the ocean is the largest dispensor of karma on the planet. The golden rule is we don’t bother it, and pray that it doesn’t bother us. We don’t litter, we work to reverse the impact of climate change, and we stay as far inland as we can from hurricanes. We want to maintain the ecosystem in the ocean so that it stays right where it’s at. I don’t need devils of the water evolving and getting any ideas about invading the safety of my home. Remember: simply by being imagined we cannot 100% rule out the possibility of there ever being a sharknado - and with the more I learn about the ocean the more I must emphasize how much I need it to stay where it’s at.

Instant Disadvantage: Oxygen

Wild animals should always be feared and respected from a distance. There are many plants and flowers that are beautiful but dangerous. But you know why I’d rather walk through bear country anytime before I wade in into the Pacific? Let’s start with the fact that I can gaurantee my ability to breath. Fear #1 of the ocean is that we lack one of the most foundational needs of our body. And it’s not just if we go in too deep. You can easily be knocked unconcious or get your foot stuck in an innertube like I did when I was 8 in the lazy river. Without air we are at game over before we have even finalized the menu settings. That’s broken as hell and my most valid reason for hating the ocean.

Creatures that should not be Featured

Why do I hate snakes? Lack of legs. There’s no way that thing should be able to move and yet it does. This is curse born from the ocean that the snake pays homage to and I cower at the fish’s ability to move through these dangerous waters. There are endless species of fish to be terrifed of at all levels. There are fish that will eat you. Fish that will poison you. Fish that will purposely bodyslam you in a coordinated attack. Fish that hypothetically can swallow you whole but are holding back only by their own will power and food selectivity.

And these are just the ones we know about

We know nothing

As of 2 years ago - humans only have been able to map about 23% of the seafloor in detail according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (aka the society of insane individuals with a death wish). We currently know more about the map of Mars than we do what makes up 70% of the surface of the planet we are on. What’s greater than the fear of the unknown? How about an unknown that goes deeper than the height of mount everest with creatures only tim burton could love?

These fucking things

Scientists with cameras tried to warn you. 20000 leagues under the sea tried to warn you. Fuck it even Finding Nemo tried to warn you. There are monsters beyond Halloween Horror Night’s greatest creations down there. And yet - billionaries want to test satan herself and try to meet these monstrosities face to face? Let them, I say. We offer them as sacrafices to the great ocean in hopes that her terrifying servants of darkness will not ever find us. While some creatures like megalodon are “not real” and I need to “stop spreading rumors that they still exist” because it’s “not scientific”… You haven’t proven they are long gone. They did in fact exist. And in fact we’ve found proof in only the last two decades that giant ass squid still roam the ocean and are one of the favorite meal plan options for sperm whales. It seems that the further one goes below the surface of the ocean, the more likely you are to run into God’s draft pile of creatures that even he was like “these were deffo not made in my own image”. They live beyond the influence of sunlight, gravitational pull and basic sanity. Anyone self-hating enough to expose their brains to the images of what lies beneath would welcome a sleep paralysis demon over making eye contact with whatever deformed method these things use to see.

No Where is safe

One of my favorite classical japanese paintings is wave off of kanagawa for it’s use of perspective and reminding us that the ocean is in fact the number one serial killer with a very solid success to attempt rate. It’s not just davy jone’s locker you have to fear but the fragile security you have even floating on top. Man is failable - and so are his ships. Remember how indestructable the titanic was? And we continued to sail the ocean after that and dozens of other sunk ships from history. I know statistically I am more likely to be killed in a road accident than at sea but that’s only because you won’t catch me near the ocean. Not to mention in international waters no one can hear you scream. It’s a lawless space with narry a rest stop in sight. There’s something about the sea air that inspired humanity to be in their worst form. Don’t believe me? Go to a Carnival Cruise ship and tell me those are mentally healthy individuals participating in the most hairy chest contest

Further research and evidence to support my claims

If you too are convinced of the anti-ocean agenda grab one of my fuck the whole ass ocean stickers for your page! Please download - remember hotlinkers are sent to the trenches!!

why i hate the ocean